A few ideas on a hot day
Once in High School I forgot to prep for a speech about a prized possession. I grabbed deodorant from my gym bag and did a 4-minute stand-up about how I used to stink but my prized possession helped me make friends. It’s the type of stuff that kills with 16-year-olds. They laughed. They clapped. I got good grades. It was great.
Anyway, I’m hoping when my 10-year-old turns 16 that shit works again!
This child could not be less impressed by me. I give her my best material and she won’t even look up. I don’t even get an eye roll. My 8-year-old is over here giving pity hugs cuz she sees it. I’m losing respect times two. I’m over here getting work accolades and my child is looking at me like:
It’s hot outside! Anywhere you live in America right now you’re having a heat wave. But enjoy. This is the coldest summer of the rest of your life!
We always hear about “By 2050 there will be…” I mean, yeah, it’ll be bad then. But nobody is waiting to flip a switch. It’s bad now.
- Birmingham, Alabama had 45 days over 90 degrees in 1970. They had more than 100 last year. They’ve had 45 already this year.
- We’ve heard 1 billion climate refugees in the future, but the “horde of immigrants” that Republicans pretended were MS-13 gang members a few years ago were climate refugees. They were part of the 500k people displaced from the Northern Triangle in Central America because they had two Category-4 hurricanes hit in November of 2020. Entire cities were destroyed without promise to rebuild.
- Wheat, soy, corn, all these crops are dying from the heat. The same reason I’m charging restaurants 50% more than a year ago is the same reason Sriracha is out for months. We just can’t farm in 2022 like we did in 2015. It’s too hot and it’s too dry.
Other than the fact that Miami seems to be underwater anytime it sprinkles, we’re not seeing huge coastal changes because of climate change. But we’re seeing a continual degrading of our day-to-day quality of life.
Speaking of a day-to-day degrading of our quality of life, remember Mayor Pete?
He’s the Transportation Secretary right now, but I want to talk about the Democratic primary in 2020.
He was the frontrunner for awhile. He was the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. I’d never heard of him before one of those debates. I thought he was fine. He talked like a business school guy, but who had also talked to some regular people in his life. He was fine. Based on the low name recognition and experience I didn’t get the appeal.
After listening to Pelosi and Schumer and Biden talk that gibberish, I’m begging for Mayor Pete. Please, Mayor Pete. Come back, Mayor Pete. These other folks have to be the least exciting, energetic, interesting group of people I’ve ever seen, and I used to work at a bank.
Mayor Pete knows his audience doesn’t just include people getting social security. Mayor Pete knows to use words that everybody knows, not just the ones who were in the last policy meeting. Mayor Pete knows that you can’t just isolate members of your own party because they want to move faster than you. Mayor Pete is the most bland, unassuming, regular-ass white dude ever and he looks like JFK right now.
I know voting is a civic duty. I know ancestors fought and died for my right to do it. But when the choice is between 80-year-olds who actively wish me harm and 80-year-olds who don’t care enough to do anything about it, it’s hard to be excited.
I hate euphemisms. Say what you mean. Mean what you say.
My kids talking about, “I had an accident.” What’s that? You missed the bathroom? You dropped a glass? You stepped on my sneakers? You wrecked my car? You better give me context.
Biden is out here telling me to vote because of “Roe”. What is Roe? You talking about fish?
Over here we talk about abortion rights. Over here we talk about the right a person has to control their own body. We’re talking about constitutional rights being taken away by a religious minority.
Talking about Roe and being scared to say “abortion” sounds a lot like the type of leader who won’t do a fucking thing about the issue in the first place.
I voted before. A lot of us did. That’s why there’s a trifecta in the House, Senate, and Presidency. What else am I supposed to do?
There’s something so dismissive about being granted power and demanding more instead of using what’s been given to you.
Speaking of words…
Don’t say “woke”. Don’t say “wokeness”. Don’t say “woketivity” or “woketude” or “wokesters” either.
Erykah Badu sang
I have longed to stay awake. A beautiful world I’m trying to find. I’ve been in search of myself. It’s just too hard for me to find. I am in search of something new. Searching me, searching inside of you. What if there was no niggas, only master teachers? Stay woke. What if there was no niggas, only master teachers? I stay woke.
That’s a lovely poem about finding your place in the world as a black person when society expects something else. Sometimes demands something else. Childish Gambino turned it from a poem to a mantra.
But stay woke. Niggas creepin’. They gon’ find you. Gon’ catch you sleepin’
Y’all turned it into a euphemism for anything you don’t like. But what do you actually mean?
- Obama meant, “Young people should stop expecting others to help them.”
- DeSantis meant, “You can’t teach students American history or current events because facts about race and America make white people uncomfortable.”
- Dershowitz meant, “It’s unfair that some people are choosing to avoid me because of my long-time relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.”
You see how the context is important? I need to know whether you’re racist or a pedophile. Or maybe you’re just a celebrity who doesn’t give a shit.
When you say “woke” do you mean that you don’t like that gay people exist? Do you mean you’re mad about the justified consequence of your actions? Do you mean that a celebrity you like didn’t get something they wanted?
I know two things about “woke”.
- That word has never worked better than just stating the facts would
- Nobody who has said it unironically in the past year is saying anything worth a damn
